10 tips for understanding and improving your libido

1. What influences your libido?

Hormones, illness, medication and the state of your relationships can all influence your libido. Your personality and history of sexual relationships, as well as society's expectations and attitudes to sex, can also play a part. Is there one thing that has influenced your libido or many things?

2. Assess your own libido

Some people want to participate in sexual activities all the time, while others never think about it and wouldn't care if they never had sex again. Low libido is only a problem if you perceive it to be so. If your libido level worries you or is very different to your partner's and causes you distress, you may want to seek some advice as to what you can do about it. Ask yourself what level of libido would you be happy with?

3. Why do you have sex?

Lust or desire is only one reason we have sex. Sometimes we do it to create intimacy, or because it's fun and pleasurable. Sometimes it's because it makes us feel special, or to have a baby, and sometimes even to avoid conflict. Think about the reasons you have sex.

4. As time goes on

When we first get together with our partner there is often lots of sex and intimacy, but it's natural for desire levels to fall away after the 'honeymoon' period. It's very important to understand this and know that there is nothing wrong with you if the desire levels fall over time. Has your desire for sex fallen with time? How do you feel about this?

5. Understand the physical

We often have sexual relationships without really knowing what happens to our bodies when we become intimate. When we experience a problem with sex it can be helpful to understand what happens physically during sexual activity, where things can go wrong and what we can do to improve our sex life.

6. Is there a difference between men and women

Many women (not all) prefer talking, emotional intimacy and being romanced to sex. Many men (not all) tend to be less affected by a bad day or fatigue, and respond to spontaneity or visual stimulation. It can be helpful to understand these generalisations and discuss any differences in libido with your partner.

7. Stop comparing

Don't worry about when or how often others have sex. What's important is whether you and your partner are happy with your level of sexual activity.

8. Watch out for depression and anxiety

One in five Australian adults experience anxiety or a depressive disorder, which can impact negatively on libido. If you're suffering from a mood disorder it's important that you seek help. Is your mood impacting on your sex life?

9. It’s okay not to always feel desire when you have sex: put time aside for sex

It's ok to have sex even if you don't feel lust or desire. It can be important to put time aside for a date night and sex for example. Remember there are many reasons to have sex: because it creates intimacy, it is pleasurable etc. The important things are that there is no coercion, abuse or pain and you find sexual activity enjoyable.

10. Seek help if you need to

If you're worried about your libido or it's causing you problems, seek professional help, either alone or, if appropriate, with your partner, from a health practitioner or specialist psychologist.

Dr Mandy Deeks PhD, The Jean Hailes Foundation for Women's Health